Life at 54 is lonely

I know the kids that read my blog will either be mad at me or worry about nothing. But last night started the blues of this episode. I love having the kids around...the grandkids are so much fun and so forgiving of my short comings. I know that Marcus will always love who he calls "his Maama" and so will Grant as long as he has the opportunity to be around, but what about my own children. Megan, Crispin, Rusty, Macki and I were having a very enjoyable day, I got a call from Rae and I tried to talk to her, but she said she'd let me go because I had things to do and so she hung up. I knew she was upset, but I wasn't sure what she wanted from me. Then I check my text messages and there is a picture of Cami with Rae's Disney ears on and a text saying "guess where she wants to go?" I text back that I'll go any time and then I get one text elling me to "have fun with that" and another telling me they will not be coming on Easter weekend. This broke my heart and I knew that I had hurt her feelings without meaning to do so.


I guess the only way to keep the peace is for me to not go anywhere or do anything with the kids to hermit here in my boring world. This way not one of them will feel they are being snubbed or ignored or that I don't care about their lives, that I love the other kids more, or that I'm a real butt.


I've often felt that I have failed my kids. When they were young, because of circumstances beyond my control, I had trouble just hanging on. I worried for each one of them, I wanted them to be happy and sheltered from the sorrow's I felt. Well I guess I just pulled to far away and now I'm paying the price. I'm not very good at keeping the peace or spreading myself between the kids without hurting feelings one way or another.